Damned Blue Eyes
by bleedingmaroon
Summary: After years of doubting she can love and beloved by anyone, Merida find herself happily in love with Hiccup. Everything was perfect, but when she learned that she only reminded him of a certain blonde with the same blue eyes as her. She can only close her eyes and run away while her tears fall and her heart break apart. One-Shot.


Hello guys, I'm up for some experimenting. I never read something like this in this fandom so I'm giving it a shot. By the way, please don't hate me after reading this.

By the way guys, Astrid's name has two meanings. The first one is a fair beautiful goddess and the other one is divine strength (if that's wrong you can correct me). I'm using the first one in here because that is Old Norse and the other one is in Danish. Also I'm making Astrid's eyes a littler shade of blue like Merida's for the sake of the story.

Another thing, this is inspired by Cristina Perri's _Human._

Disclaimer: I didn't own Brave and How to Train Your Dragon. I'm just borrowing and making stories with them.

* * *

_But I'm only human_

_And I bleed when I fall down_

_I'm only human_

_And I crash and I break down_

_Your words in my head, knives in my heart_

_You build me up and then I fall apart_

_'cause I'm only human_

* * *

The rain was pounding hard but everyone was still busy. The streets were still jammed with people, the cafes were full of teenagers hanging out with their friends and different office workers are rushing to get in their respective homes early. It was a casual scene for a normal day.

Looking up the dark sky, Merida felt her shoulder shook again. Touching her cheeks, she hastily wiped her tears and she started to run. She didn't know where she was going, but that didn't matter she only want to escape, to forget.

She didn't expect to find out a lot of things about Hiccup today. It's not like she didn't enjoy learning little bits of information about the man she loved, hell, she would even hang at your every word when she heard that you know something about him, but she was not prepared for something this heartbreaking. She never expected to know that she only reminded him of a certain blonde with the same blue eyes as her.

Closing her eyes, she stopped at the middle of the park, breathless and heart pounding. The rain was icy cold and it beat harshly against her skin making her numb but she didn't care. She couldn't bring herself to care. She sighed, she was glad that at least she couldn't feel anything at all at least in the physical level. She didn't want to feel anything anymore.

Sitting at the nearby stone bench, she started to think where she got everything wrong or when she missed the signs.

Running her hand into her wet hair, she let out a bitter laugh. She just realized, as much as surreal it sounded, that it started the first day she met him.

How could she not saw it? The way that he looked at her eyes for the first time, he acted like she haunted him and shocked his very being. Like she reminded him of someone he would never meet again and more importantly someone he cherished and loved.

She snorted and kicked at the little stone in her left foot. Why would a guy instantly look at a girl with unexplainable love and warmth when he didn't know her at all? She was so stupid that she believed that love at first sight could be a real thing. She craved to be loved too much that she clung to the first man who gave her the warmth she needed.

As the rain continued to pour down, she buried her face in her palm. All of their memories together started to flash right before her mind, mocking her and breaking her heart apart slowly and painfully. Their endless laughter, their playful banters, their heartwarming conversation and even some of their stupid fights, she couldn't stop her mind from remembering all of them and reminding herself that was not really for her.

It's all for Astrid, the blonde shield maiden that captured his heart hundreds of years ago, the woman with the same blue eyes as her and a temper that could match her's. The woman that Hiccup truly loves and she reminded him of. The woman that Hiccup saw whenever she was around him.

"The woman, the woman I will never be." She silently whispered into herself.

She smiled bitterly again. Everything Hiccup did and said to her started to make sense now. Why he asked her if she ever try to handle an ax, what she felt about some dinosaurs that looked like a bird and why on very rare and random times he called her 'my Astrid'.

* * *

_Flashback_

_Hiccup and Merida were staring at the starry night sky. They were out for a camping and they both lay down on the top of their own sleeping bags side by side._

_Merida stared at the man beside her. A small smile played at the corner of her mouth. She never thought that she was capable of loving anyone with all the things that happened in her family. Moving slightly towards his side, she played with his auburn hair._

_As he sighed, she smirked and she gently ran her fingertips to his nape. Not expecting the contact Hiccup jerked and glared at her. Smiling, she tried to touch his nape again when he caught her wrist._

_"Fine, fine, I'll stop. You're so ticklish," she said with mirth in her eyes. _

_"I'm telling you Merida, if you tickle me again. I'll do something you wouldn't like," he answered back as he narrowed his eyes and slowly released her wrist._

_"Oh, and what's that Hiccup?" she asked as she batted her lashes slowly at him. Hiccup rolled his eyes as an answer and lay back again._

_Letting some minutes pass for Hiccup to relax, she hugged him with her one arm._

_"Thanks for everything Hiccup," she silently whispered in his side. Hiccup rolled in his side to look at her and gave her a warm smile._

_"No Merida, thank you for letting my heart beat again," he said sincerely as he rested his chin above her head. Merida closed her eyes and snuggled deeply in his embraced._

_"Hiccup, if your heart didn't beat before you met me you're dead now," she said sarcastically to him as she giggle and put her hand in his chest feeling the faint beat of his heart against her palm._

_ He chuckled for a while as he tipped her chin towards him. "It does, but it stopped and it only came back again when I look at your eyes," he said. Merida looked at his green eyes with her blue ones and only saw the love in there, failing to recognize the distant look present in the twin orbs of green._

_Merida pulled down his shirt and kissed his lips, tasting the warmth and need in there, letting herself lost in the addictive sensation._

_Breaking away gasping and out of breath, she held his hands that was in her waist and held it against her heart. Gathering all the courage she needed, she fixed her blue stare in to him and told him how much he meant for her for the first time._

_"I love you Hiccup." She said breathlessly, feeling light headed._

_"I love you my Astrid, my beautiful goddess."_

* * *

Letting out a loud hysterical laugh, she could feel her warm tears streaming freely from her eyes to her cheeks along with the freezing droplets of rain. She couldn't believe him. The first time she told him that she loved him, he said something like that and she, the desperate and love induced idiot fell for it.

She fell for a nickname she thought was only for her, an endearment that is not really an endearment but _her _name.

Getting up, she started to pace in the muddy pathway. She now remembered all the things her mother told her. How she needed to always leave something for herself to be prepared when everything break apart. How she needed to not give all of herself so she could get up and start again with at least a piece of what she used to be.

But she didn't do anything like what her mother said. She just shrugged all of it and paid it no heed. She never listened to her mother and now it bit her hard back.

She suddenly punched the brick post in her side. She needed to vent all of her frustration to something and she couldn't think of anything that would not remind her of Hiccup. She just wanted to forget him for a second, a minute or maybe for eternity.

As pain shot through her knuckles, she looked down to see it covered in blood. Cradling her knuckle in her chest, she chuckled with dismay. Her heart ached more than her bloody knuckles.

Leaning at the brick post and looking up the sky. She silently asked why it needed to be her. She knew that she wasn't the perfect daughter that her mom wanted her to be, but she still do her best to meet her standards. She knew that she was not a bad person. She even end a relationship when she felt that a guy she didn't love or even care about became attached to her.

So, why? Why did it needed to be her? It could be anyone, but why her?

As the rain continue to pour down, she realized that she had nowhere to go. She didn't want to come back to her apartment because it was filled with memories that she didn't want to remember. She can't go back to her mom's house.

She would only scold her and tell her how much she warned her about Hiccup. How much of a trouble he is and how much of a hard headed idiot she was. How much she didn't listen to her mom and what kind of an ungrateful child she turned into.

She smiled bitterly, maybe that's the reason why this is happening to her. She's an ungrateful child who loathed her mother for something she didn't do.

During this time she wished that she was child again. That her father was still alive and her mom didn't miscarriage her supposed to be younger brothers.

Smiling slightly, she was sure her life will be a lot easier. She would grew up with a complete and happy family instead of having only her mom who want her to grew tough and prepare for all the ugly things that can happen in someone's life. She could grow up normally than be a broken and love hungered person she was now.

She chuckled humorlessly, if it was her father who told her to stay away from Hiccup she might listened to him, but well it's her mom who was there and ever since her father's death she didn't do anything but be mad and resentful to her. She scoffed. She was a totally blind judgmental idiot. It wasn't like her mom want those things to happen at all.

As the throbbing of her knuckle started to fade away. She looked down at the broken skin. The rain already washed away the blood and the only thing she could saw was the rugged wounds. She frowned, it will turn into an ugly scar later on and it will be a reminder of everything that happened today.

Looking ahead of her, she caught her reflection in a metal trashcan just across her. Her wild and curly red hair hang limply at her side. Her black tee shirt and faded jeans soaked, her veins already stark blue against her fair complexion. In short, she looked like a pathetic shivering mousy red haired woman. Far, far away from Astrid's almost perfect appearance.

Drawing her knees to her chest, she buried her head in them. She really wished that she didn't snoop into Hiccup's thing. Smiling slightly, she was sure that if she didn't read his journal they will both be in the couch curled up with each other while Hiccup read one of his books to her.

Oh, how much she wish to have that ignorance back. To not learn any of this pain that she was feeling now. She was too curious when she found his old journal that she didn't stop for a second to read it.

She thought it was a normal day. Hiccup asked her to go to his house and baby sit his black cat Toothless. As usual, she teased him about calling her when he only need her assistance. He said some mushy things that made her almost weak in her knees and she came to his house to do just what he asked.

Breathing deeply, she remembered seeing an old leather journal on his night stand. She never seen it before and she decided to look at it.

At first, she was surprised that everything written in it was on runes but she just shrugged it off. That's Hiccup, he was as odd as his name. It took her some couple of minutes to be at ease at reading it. Even thought she was an archaeologist reading runes were not really her forte.

She spent her morning reading stories about dragons and a teenage boy. She was surprised to see Hiccup's and Toothless' name on it.

She remembered herself snickering and laughing as she read their adventure and Toothless' antics. She remembered feeling her heart beat racing, as they fight a very big dragon not only once but twice. She remembered herself crying when she read his father's death. She even remembered smilingly slightly as she traced his nickname for her in his journal.

Closing her eyes, she remembered the most painful memory of reading that journal. A part she wished she never seen at all.

It's in the near end of the journal. She saw a big folded map in the end along with funny names for places. She was carefully folding it back when she accidentally tore a page of the map. She was going to paste it back when she saw a drawing at the back of it.

She saw a drawing of a beautiful blonde woman. Her features were flawless and she had very expressive eyes that look exactly like her's. Puzzled as to why Hiccup had drawn her she saw a little script that shook her.

_Astrid, You are the only one who can have my heart till the day that I die._

Not stopping herself at all she let a fresh batch of tears stream down her face. It hurts, reading that hurts. Everything that she read that she thought was for her hurts.

What really break her apart is written at the last page of the journal. She hated herself for remembering it again and again. Every word taunted her and she was almost tempted to end everything because it tore her, every single fiber of her existence.

_I think I find her. I don't know but I can see Astrid in her. Her eyes have the same fire and warmth that I can only see in Astrid eyes. Her spirit, her temper and everything as much as it pains me it reminded me of her. I know that I shouldn't be doing this but I can't stop myself. She reminded me too much of Astrid that I have to have her. I know it's wrong but I can't stop myself. I just needed to do it._

After years of doubting she could find someone for herself, Hiccup came. He showed her she could love him, that she could trust him, that she can be happy with him, that her life could be better with him. He taught and showed her a bright side of the world. The happy one, where she could smile freely and lessen the pain she felt deep inside her. He taught her how to truly live her life and now he did this. What a bitter irony.

She didn't know what she was supposed to do now. She didn't even know if she could bring back herself to live like she did years ago, no like she did, a few hours ago.

She was looking far away staring at the thin air like a lost woman, when she saw him. Scrambling to get on her feet, she felt her heart beat pound in her chest and ears. She didn't want to deal with Hiccup right now.

* * *

Running as fast as her shaky legs could, she was praying that Hiccup wouldn't find her. She didn't know if she could live at all when he confirmed everything she read. As much as broken she was now, she was sure she would crumble into nothing when he said those words himself.

Her vision started to swim and she stopped to lean in a tree. Taking huge gulps of air, she pushed her heart to calm down.

She didn't know how or when but when she opened her eyes she found herself staring at a pair of greens she never wanted to see again.

"Merida, what are you doing? Let's go back, you're going to be sick," he said as he reached for her face to push her wet hair that plastered itself in her face. Concern was etched on his face and he felt her heart yearn for him.

"Leave me alone," she answered as she batted his hands away. She started to walk away when Hiccup reached for her wrist.

Sighing, Hiccup asked her what's wrong, "I don't know what's happening Merida, but you know you can always tell me."

Turning to look at him, she could feel her tears treating to fall again. His voice was so calm and caring that she felt her heart constricted more. "Tell me the truth Hiccup. You never love me right?" she asked. She already knew what his answer would be like, but she wanted to know. Maybe she was overreacting. Maybe everything she read was just a misunderstanding.

Her hope was broken when Hiccup looked away and a suffocating silence was her only silence. A thin smile made its way on her face. She felt empty and she couldn't breathe right.

"That's what I think," she said coldly, all of the walls he successfully removed from her heart years ago started to gather around her again with full force.

"Merida, it's not like what you think. Let's go back home, you're going to be sick," he pleaded. She could hear the desperation and the silent defeat laced into it.

"Hiccup, stop. I'm not her and I'll never be," she said softly as she looked away. She couldn't look at him anymore.

"I knew that Merida. It's just-"

"Then why Hiccup? Why?" she shouted as she yanked her hand back from his grasp.

"You know right from the start that I'm not her yet you still do it! You still make me believe that it is me that you love when all along it's Astrid!" she screamed out as she turn around and punched the tree at her side with all her might.

She could hear the crunching of the tree along with her bones. She then laughed hysterically, looking back at her fist she realized that she couldn't even hurt Hiccup after all the things he did to her.

Hiccup then rushed at her side. He gently took hold of Merida's fist, ignoring her reluctance and icy stare. He was about to say something when she put her index finger on his lips.

"Don't," she whispered as her eyes started to fluttered closed. She traced his nose, the light dusting of freckles on his cheek and the curve of his lips. "I couldn't believe you. You know how much of a broken soul I am and you still go with your plan. You're selfish, and I hate myself that I can't bring myself to hate you," she mumbled as her eyelids become heavy. Everything that happened was catching on her now.

A soft and sad giggle escaped her lips."I always thought I'm you're beautiful goddess. I don't have a clue how wrong am I."

"... I'm sorry" she heard him whisper in her ears as she fainted, her world turning into black.

* * *

Author's Note: This is residing in my laptop for almost a year. I just think it's old enough to be seen by the fanfiction world. Again, please don't hate me.


End file.
